Simple Steps to Find More Love on V-day, or Any Day

Ah. Valentine’s Day. 

Arguably one of the most overblown holidays, in my jaded opinion.

My love of Valentine’s Day peaked in 2nd – 4th grade. 

For weeks up to the day, I’d sit at my kitchen counter brainstorming my perfect Valentine’s box, constructing it out cardboard, colored paper and lots of glue, then carefully bringing it to school to sit atop the window ledge waiting for our afternoon party.

My primary goal? Win the Valentines’s Box contest.

The little cards and candies I got were kind of an afterthought. Except Ty’s: the cutest boy in my class. I always paid extra special attention to how he wrote my name and his, looking for signs he secretly wanted to marry me.

In my mind, I would win the box contest and, as a result, the adoration of all my fellow classmates. I’d also discover a teeny heart Ty drew on my valentine, thereby sealing our fate as soulmates.

Even with my epic sailboat Valentine’s box, the SS Valentine, it didn’t happen. And there was never an extra heart, no matter how much I scoured the card. 

In high school, I dreamed a secret admirer would send a huge bouquet of red roses to homeroom.

It, too, never happened.

I created these fantastic stories in my head and was heartbroken when they turned out to be just that.

Unfortunately that pattern of expectation-setting and disappointment continued well into my adult life with boyfriends and my husband. All day, I’d eagerly wait to find a surprise piece of jewelry or the delivery man to bring me a huge bouquet of flowers like I saw in every movie and commercial. 

When things didn’t go the way I’d pictured them in my head, I’d get sad and resentful and, ultimately become convinced this meant he didn’t really love me and we shouldn’t be together.

Unspoken expectations ruin Valentine’s Day – and frankly most things in life.

While I hope you don’t reach my level 11 drama, a lot of us build up expectations in our heads about how we think things “should” go – and then get disappointed when our partner didn’t read our mind and deliver on them. And, it doesn’t stop there because we then start creating stories in our heads about what their inability to read our minds means – which actually changes how we interpret our partners’ actions in the future. Cue tumbling dominoes, tears and seething remarks.

Here are 3 things you can do to have a better Valentine’s Day celebration this year – whether you’re in a relationship or not!

Notice the story you’ve created in your head. 

What is the story you’re telling yourself – both about things should go, AND what it means if things go that way or not? When you boil it down, what does this point to that’s especially important for you?

If I’d been self-aware enough a lot earlier, I might have caught on to the fact that most of my stories were about how love looked in front of other people, less about how it felt to me. When I didn’t have something to show for it, I felt like I wasn’t enough. 

Our stories are always signs to our inner struggles and reactive patterns – but we have to focus to hear them consciously because they usually fade into the white noise in our heads.

Understand how you want to be cherished and appreciated. 

Most of us don’t really spend the time truly understanding what makes us feel loved and celebrated. And even if we do, we feel guilty asking for it. It feels selfish to ask for what we need – I mean, doesn’t that make us sound needy? I’m here to tell you: No, no it does not. It makes you human.

When I really paid attention to what I truly wanted, it turned out it wasn’t the flowers and big gestures, but I had to get out of my story and into my values to discover that.

Really think about how you most love to be loved. 

If you’re feeling stuck, this quick 5 Love Languages quiz can be transformative for how you think about what you, and those you love, need in order to feel most appreciated. There’s a quiz for couples, singles, kids and teens so I highly recommend this for everyone! I just did it with my kids and we all learned something.

Share your expectations & turn toward.

If you’re in a relationship, having an intentional and open conversation about how each of you wants to be loved is so important. Use Valentine’s as a great day to discuss how you each feel love and want to be celebrated and to turn toward your partner – meaning expressing love in the way that’s most important to them.

Even if you’re single, don’t feel left out! Many of us don’t turn toward ourselves and show ourselves love in the way we need it most. Whether it’s spending time doing something you enjoy, giving yourself a little gift or just looking into your eyes in the mirror and saying what you love about yourself (such a powerful exercise!).

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This year, I’m super excited for Valentine’s Day – not because I have a new flame (I most definitely do not) but because my kids and I sat down, discussed what we each wanted and designed a day worth celebrating. And they’re giving me a massage. 😉

No matter how differently the day actually goes from the script in my head, which it inevitably will, I will be present and appreciative of the lessons and the joy it’s bringing.

#bestvalentinesever

It is in your control to make this Valentine’s a great one, no matter where you are in your relationship or whether you’re in one or not. It’s nearly always about finding the hidden stories you’re telling yourself and choosing something different.

How will you be celebrating yourself this year? Share in the comments one way you’re either asking for what you need, or giving it to yourself.

I’m sending you all my love! Happy Valentine’s Day!

XX, Erika